Monthly Archives: July 2013

Golf Daze

The Golf Bible for the 20 Handicapper

You know what brings the duffer back?  It’s on the last hole of another disastrous round when the club goes back and then comes through perfectly and the ball jumps in the air and rises like a rocket.  It heads straight down the fairway or heads straight for the green.  Everyone is spell bound and the player says, “See, I knew I would figure it out,” or “Why can’t I do that more often?”


If the player is a 20 handicapper, he or she will never figure it out, and to play better he doesn’t have to do it more often.  I used to be a 20 handicapper plus and I still try to hit the perfect shot every time.  But, I now realize it isn’t necessary to hit great shots to be a better golfer.  So I have come up with my golfer’s bible for those of you who want to score better, but probably aren’t ever going to master the golf swing.

I subscribe to Golf Digest and Golf Magazine and each month they promise to add 10, 15, or 30 yards to my drives and to reduce my handicap by 3, 5, or even 7 strokes.  The August Golf Magazine has Hunter Mahan on the cover and it says, “Hit Every Fairway [and add 15 yards].”  I like Hunter Mahan and enjoy watching him play.  I also recognize that those pros are not playing the same game we are.  They hit shots that we wouldn’t dare try.  He gets paid for wearing a Ping Hat and an Under Armor shirt.  David Leadbetter pays me not to wear anything with his name on it.

Anyway, the Mahan article says on the backswing, your right thigh should feel “tight at the top.”  My whole body feels “tight at the top,” and then sort of unravels on the way down.  I don’t think golf magazines are the answer.  

So, let’s start with my bible revelation.  A 20 handicapper is only going to hit three to five really great shots a round (on a good day).  That means that not counting putts, he or she is going to hit over 50 shots that are not great.  So, are you ready for this, it is the quality of your not-so-great shots that will improve your score.

Let me use a 390 yard, par 4 hole as an example.  Most of us 20 handicappers can’t reach the green in two.  Let’s assume that we hit the ball 180 yards off the tee.  I don’t have anything in my bag that will go 210 yards.  So I am going to be on the green in three, if everything goes well. An absolutely perfect shot will make me feel great, but I will still have 30 yards left to the green.  A mediocre shot that only goes 140 yards leaves me with 70 yards to the green.  Both shots leave me in a good position. But, if you pop the ball in the air or top it and it rolls 20 yards, you are in trouble. This is what I mean by the quality of your not-so-great shots.  It is important that your mediocre shot get you within 100 yards of the green.

I periodically play with a fellow, who, when he hits a mediocre shot, looks at it and then says, “That’s OK.”  What he is really saying is, “I can get on from there,” or “I will still be on in the same number of shots.”  So rule one is to make sure your mediocre shots move you down the fairway 130 or more yards, and don’t fret that the shot wasn’t great.

Next, if your tee shot goes into the woods, give careful thought as to how to get back in the fairway.  Look for the best and widest opening.  Don’t try some miracle shot to put the ball down the fairway.  Hitting sideways or even backwards will cost you one stroke.  Playing pinball with the trees will rack up a monster number.

Another score killer  is being 10 yards off the green and taking two shots to get on.  This is many times caused by trying to put the ball close to the flag stick.  Putting it close to the flag stick is good, but not if it requires a risky shot.  Feel comfortable with the club you choose and knock the ball on the short grass.  

It is bad enough that someone thought up the idea of bunkers, but to make matters worse, the ground around the bunker usually slopes towards the bunker.  It may sound silly for me to say you need to get out of the bunker with one stroke, but I said it.  It’s nice to blast out close to the hole, but if it requires trying something different, don’t do it.  Keep your weight on your front foot and take a good swing.  It is important that you follow through. If you leave your club in the sand, the ball will be there too.  I once blasted from the bunker on one side of the green into the bunker on the other side. And, then I blasted the ball back into the bunker where I started. This is when it is important not to have sharp objects in your bag.

The last topic I will mention is the mental/emotional part of the game.  If you let your emotions get the best of you, you are done.  Right Rory?  I’ll define a bad three putt as inside 10 feet.  Anybody who has a bad three putt will play hell hitting a decent shot off of the next tee box.  When things really go badly for me, I try to smile.  A smile or a humorous comment breaks the tension and stress and will put you back on track.

I’m a little embarrassed about calling this a golf bible, but if I called it a golf diatribe, I’m not sure anyone would read it.  Play well.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com


Random Thoughts, Short Shorts

It’s OK to Put Your Elbow in Your Ear

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After all these years, I now find out that “ear wax is beneficial and self cleaning.”  That is why you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.  Of course, they also said that the tooth fairy recovers teeth that are left under pillows.  I’m not sure what to believe!

All these years I have been avoiding the benefits of earwax.  I don’t want it back.  Of course, most of it was absorbed into those terrible Q-tips.  Q-tips is the cotton swab of choice.  Some of the lesser brands really do a number on your ear.  Q-tips had done everything possible to make it feel comfortable in your ear.  There is “more soft cotton on the tip,” and it has a bendable shaft.  It is a life insurance policy, too.  No, no.  That’s another stupid commercial.

I get a kick out of the Q-tips box.  It has a warning.  It says, “Do not insert swab into ear canal.”  If people stop inserting Q-tips into ear canals, sell your Unilever stock. Then the warning goes on to say, “If used to clean ears, stroke swab gently around the outer surface of the ear only.”  Why would anyone want to stroke around the outer surface of the ear?  That isn’t where the tickle is coming from.  I guess that annoying tickling feeling is also beneficial.

If you haven’t figured it out, I will tell you that I clean out my ears with Q-tips.  Now, as an experienced user, I will give you some important tips.  Never clean out your ears while jogging.  It can be done, but it is too tricky for a beginner.  Next, while sitting perfectly still, grab the swab at a very short distance from the cotton end.  That way, even if you jam it in it won’t hit bottom.  Next, keep the swab pressed against the side of the ear canal.  If you feel a sharp pain, you are in too deeply.  If your Q-tip has blood on it, you belong to that 10% who can’t pitch or catch a softball and you should seek medical help.

When I was 13, I went to Champaign Urbana, Illinois to play in a state baseball tournament.  I think it was a three-day tournament.  I woke up the second day with a terrible ear ache (this was before I knew what a Q-tip was).  Everything sounded like I was in a twenty-foot well.  Each coach had a different remedy.  One held me upside down.  Another put my bad ear towards the ground and pounded on the other side of my head.  It didn’t help my ear, but I felt better when he stopped pounding.  The third coach lit up a cigar and blew smoke in my ear.  Nothing helped.  They finally quit trying when they found out I could still play, even though I was hurting.

I should mention that the article that says ear wax is good for you goes on to state that after you are 65 years old, the wax gets thicker and contains more ear hair.  I didn’t even know I had ear hair and now I find out it is falling out.  The article concludes that 12 million people a year go to the doctor for impacted ear wax.  They want you to believe that that is caused by people pushing the ear wax deeper into their ear with cotton swabs.  Don’t believe them.  It is those people who aren’t cleaning out their ears with a Q-tip.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
My Military Daze, Random Thoughts

Bill Suter, Clerk of the Supreme Court

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On the 12th of June, Bill Suter had his retirement party.  It was held at the Supreme Court of the United States.  Bill will retire as the 19th Clerk of the Supreme Court sometime this fall, but if they waited until then to have the party, the Court would have trouble finding a quorum.  As you probably know, the Court finishes up its opinions in June and then goes on an extensive recess.  So June was the best time for the party.

Bill and I go way back.  We reported for duty on Tuesday, September 3, 1962 at Fort Knox, Kentucky.  We had both received direct appointments as first lieutenants in the JAG Corps and our first assignment was the Armor Officers’ Basic Course.  This raised the question as to whether we would be able to handle our court room duties if we could not fire the main gun of a M-48 tank.

Over 50 years later, I was sitting in the Great Hall listening to Chief Justice Roberts praise the incredible job that Bill had done as the Clerk for the last 23 years. The ceremony started with the Marshal of the Court, Pam Talkin, coming to the lectern and announcing, “Ladies and gentlemen, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.”  The Chief Justice then said, “Thank you for that warm and generous introduction.”  The laughter that followed set the tenor for the ceremony and the following party (a party that didn’t cost the taxpayers a penny).

At Fort Knox, while on a three-day field operation, which was to conclude the armor portion of our training, we sat in the dark on a bleacher and listened on a transistor radio to President Kennedy announce the “quarantine” of Cuba.  The Soviets had been slipping nuclear missiles into Cuba and Kennedy had decided we would go to war before we would permit nuclear weapons that close to the United States.  We had little communication with the rest of the world for the next two days.  Rumors of sunken ships and war were rampant.  I even heard that our class was on its way to Florida to be ready for the attack.  Today, on reflection, I know how absurd that would have been, but back then, it had us all shook up.

As soon as we came in from the field, we started cavalry instruction.  Bill and I were sitting in a small amphitheater and we all remember what happened like it was yesterday.  Bill Suter, Larry Henneberger, Don Wolf, friends for life, remember that moment.  Our country was holding its breath to see if we would be at war with the Soviets.  A cavalry instructor was babbling about how one out of three in the class would be assigned to a cavalry unit.  Those of us who were JAGs were ignoring him. Then the door to the classroom swung open and a secretary came rushing in carrying a piece of paper.  The instructor took the paper and spent 30 seconds reading it.  Had a pin dropped, it might have shattered somebody’s ear drum.  The major looked up and said, “Listen up, this order seems to impact all of you.  Effective immediately, the members of this armored officers’ basic class are assigned to Troop B, 1st Squadron, 4th Cavalry.”  Still extreme silence, confusion and disbelief.  Then the major said, “See gentlemen, it would be just that easy for you to be assigned to a cav unit.”  IT WAS A JOKE.  It was the way he started off every one of his cavalry orientation classes.  But his timing with our class left us weak.

I couldn’t get over the dignitaries that had assembled for Bill’s ceremony.  What a distinguished group.  And I was amazed at how many of them I knew.  I felt honored to be there.  Sitting two seats away from me was Susan Crawford.  She had held any number of distinguished positions with our government, but when I was working in the Office of the Judge Advocate General in the Pentagon, she was the Army General Counsel.  I also had some contact with her when I was the Commandant of the JAG School.  When I was trying to get a political appointment with the first Bush administration, I needed someone with political connections to recommend me and Susan was the only one I knew.  I called Susan and she made things happen.  At Bill’s ceremony, I thanked her again for the major impact she had on my life.  She responded by saying she was just happy someone took her call.

Chief Justice Roberts mentioned that through the years, Bill had probably done more towards making counsel feel comfortable before they argued than anyone else.  Bill had written a “Guide for Counsel in Cases to be Argued before the Supreme Court of the United States.”  It answered all those questions a first time counsel so desperately needed.

After Bills comments and just prior to the conclusion of the ceremony, Jeanie, Bill”s wife and Ashley, his grand daughter, unveiled his portrait.  Yep, they still do things like that.  Even in the days of Twitter and Face Time.  And, it was magnificent.  Bill’s portrait will hang in the Supreme Court from this time forward.  Richly deserved.

In November, 1962, Bill and Jeanie and Carole and me arrived at the JAG School in Charlottesville, Virginia.  Bill and I were members of the 37th Special Class.  Brand new JAGs.  Because of the length of the class, we would be in C’Ville over the Christmas holiday.  The School did not want their basic class students hanging around over Christmas.  They wanted the students to take leave and disappear.  We were told if we stayed, we would be put to work.  Most of the class disappeared.  Bill and I stayed over the holiday and “went to work.”

We were assigned the project of preparing a paper setting forth the reasons why the Advance Class (later called the Graduate Class) upon their graduation should receive a master of laws degree, rather than just a diploma.  We put a lot of energy into the project and came up with a half a dozen good reasons the degree should be awarded.  Of course it was a make work project and nothing came of it.  Nothing came of it until 26 years later when Bill was the Assistant Judge Advocate General and tasked me as the Commandant of the School to make it happen.  In 1988, Congress passed the law granting our graduate students a Master of Laws Degree in Military Law.

I would like to tell you that I dug out the paper that Bill and I prepared in 1962 and used it as our rationale, b
ut I think it was used to start kindling in the officers’ club fire place.  But the ideas were still keen in our minds.  So to all the JAG Graduate Class students since 1988 who are proud recipients of master of laws degrees, Bill and I say, “You’re welcome.”

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com