Back in the early Eighties, along with being the Staff Judge Advocate at Fort Riley, I was writing weekly articles for the Post newspaper and the Junction City Daily Union.  It is amazing how much you are wanted if you work for free.  The Officers’ Wives Club was publishing a monthly paper called Plain Talk, and they asked me to contribute an article.  Below is the first article I wrote for them.  I wrote three articles for them before I was fired by the Commanding General’s wife because I was a male.  I was disappointed that it took her so long to figure that out.

                    PLAIN TALK      December 1981

                    The Judge Doesn’t Say

You want some plain talk?  Well you’ve come to the right person.  I used to fly on the DC-3 when they didn’t have the movies.  I talked all the time because the magazines made me sick.

OK, are you ready for some plane talk?  “The houses really look small.”  “My ears just popped.”  “They tell me my luggage will be on the next flight.”  “Your bottom cushion is also a floating device” (They have seen you at the pool).  “It’s really easy  once you take the little brown bag away from your face.”

I could go on, but you’ll have to trust me.  Nancy O’Malley asked me to talk about something you ladies were interested in.  So I told her I would talk about Burt Reynolds shaving off his mustache on the Johnny Carson Show.

That wasn’t what she wanted.  I suggested expanding into railroad talk (“the houses really are zipping by” and  “are you sure this is a dry state?”), and boat talk (“gee, all the houses on the shore seem to be bobbing up and down”).

Well, here I am smack in the middle of this thing and I still haven’t figured out what to say.  So I asked Carole to let me see the previous issues of Plain Talk.  She had them all neatly filed in a three-ring notebook.  Don’t you just hate people who are so well organized that all they do is act as a bad reminder?

Well, I looked through the first four issues.  PT is really a neat publication!  I would have been happier if I had not read the article on men’s fashions.  The only good news is that my threads may come back in style in five or ten years.

I got a little tired of seeing Ro smiling at me [she was the wives club president].  I don’t know if you noticed, but in each issue Ro’s picture gets a little smaller.  I think by March there will be nothing but teeth.

OK, that’s it.  Now you know I had nothing to say and I said it.  I think your paper is great and if I ever have a good thought, I’ll send it to PT.


Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com