Only in America can somebody cut holes in a blanket and have the audacity to sell it as a “Snuggie.”  “One size fits all.”  You bet.  When an item has no shape, of course, one size fits all.  And you can talk on the phone without having to throw off your warm blanket, because you are wearing it.

It is also perfect for people on a diet who like to cheat, but don’t want to get caught.  You can hide a box of chocolate and a turkey leg inside the Snuggie and no one will be the wiser.  They have now come out with a leopard skin patterned Snuggie.  This is for the style conscious purchaser.  And, with Veterans Day right around the corner, they should come out with a camouflage Snuggie.  Hey kid, get your camouflage Snuggie and you will never have to go to bed on time again.  Your parents won’t be able to find you.

Snuggies need to steal the Bud Light punch line.  “Snuggies are so popular, because they have snuggability.”  Not too light, not too heavy.  That’s snuggability!

I don’t think Snuggies have pockets.  I don’t know why.  It doesn’t seem like such a leap to put a pocket or two on the Snuggie.  Maybe this will come out for Christmas.  With a pocket, you could take your Chia Pet with you.  I have already figured out that the nuts who are buying Snuggies are the same nuts who already own a Chia Pet.  Those are the pets that you water and grass or clover or something grows out of them.  How about a Snuggie that when you water it, something — No.  Never mind.

Anyway, I went on line to see if Chia is still selling their pets.  They are.  They will now even sell you a bust of Homer Simpson where you can water his hair and green stuff will grow.  Wait.  There’s more.  You can also purchase a bust of President Obama.  Again, you water and he grows green hair.  I think this was personally approved by his environmental Czar.  For $19.95, you get the bust, seed packets for three plantings, a plastic drip tray and instructions.  It goes on to say that the teleprompter is not included.

That’s right, I can’t stand Consumers Union (CU).  Through their Consumer Reports magazine, they judge products and decide what the American public should buy.  But, what if they are wrong, or worse, what if they have a bias against a particular product?  Who sits in judgment to determine whether CU was correct?  The answer is no one!  And, believe me, they do have biases.

That is exactly what happened when they killed the Suzuki Samurai.  All they needed to do was hold a press conference and declare that the Samurai “rolls over easily” and that then sparked the sale of their next Consumer Reports issue that declared the Samurai sport utility vehicle (SUV) was “not acceptable.” 

The product liability lawyers who financially support CU love such issues.  They immediately started suing Suzuki.  The news media, who never questions CU carried the CU/Samurai story and all of the evening news channels were showing the Samurai up on two wheels.  Sales for the Samurai dropped from 81,000 in 1987 to just 5,000 two years later.

The CU report came out in 1988.  And, believe me, no investigative reporter was digging into how the testing of the Samurai was conducted.  Eight years later, when Consumer Reports, in an anniversary issue, celebrated the demise of the Samurai, George Ball, General Counsel  for American Suzuki decided to sue CU for defamation and product disparagement.  George took over in 1993 when the company was being devastated by Samurai law suits.  All the expensive pretrial discovery was done and then the cases would be settled.  George told me, “Jack, we are being raped by the plaintiff attorneys and fondled by the defense attorneys.”

George decided to fight back.  He assembled a strong defense team which would take certain selected cases to trial.  I was fortunate to be part of the team providing advice on National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) issues.  Of the four Samurai  cases Suzuki took to trial, they won three of them.  Cale Yarbough, a NASCAR champion, testified that the Samurai had excellent stability.  In fact, he had one he used on his farm.  The plaintiff lawyers moved elsewhere.  It became too expensive and time consuming to sue Suzuki.

So in 1996, after suing CU and going through discovery, Suzuki finally found out how the Samurai was tested and how CU got it up on two wheels.  CU went into the testing convinced that the Samurai would fail.  Many of the CU VIPs came out to the track to watch the Samurai fail.  The problem was it didn’t.  It reminds me of the Northern aristocrats who brought their basket lunches out to watch the North rout the South at the
first Battle of Bull Run.

CU’s two professional drivers drove the little SUV through CU’s accident avoidance course (the same course they had used to test previous SUVs).  The Samurai preformed outstandingly!  All 37 test runs were successful.  The professional test drivers gave the Samurai high scores.  The CU leadership was frustrated and allegedly comments were made about the need to tip up the Samurai.  Then a non-professional executive for CU, David Pittle, got behind the wheel.  His first nine runs went smoothly.  Then, on his 10th run, Pittle took one turn too wide and in trying to get back on course, the Samurai tipped up on two wheels.  Later watching and listening to the video tape, it was easy to hear those present cheering.  Needless to say, that was the end of the testing for the day.

The CU staff then studied how Pittle (I pronounce it, Piddle) got the Samurai up on two wheels.  They saw where he made his mistakes.  Then, taking that information, they modified the obstacle course so as to insure the Samurai would fail.  I said they gamed the test.  George Ball said they rigged the test.  Whatever you call it, it was despicable.  Then with the “modified accident avoidance course,” they ran the Samurai to its preordained tip up.  It took a number of runs to tip it up, but they got it there.  And, that was what everyone saw on the evening news.

The Center for Auto Safety, which has obvious links with CU, petitioned NHTSA to have the Samurai declared defective.  NHTSA turned them down.  NHTSA also mentioned that CU’s so called “accident avoidance maneuver” test did not have a scientific basis (we subsequently learned that in spades) and could not be linked to real world crash avoidance needs, or actual crash data.

Now you know why I have no use for Consumers Union or Consumer Reports.  I think what they did was corrupt and no one would have ever known if Suzuki hadn’t sued.  How many other Samurai cases are out there that no one knows about?  How did the law suit come out?  It went on for years.  The trial judge kept dismissing the case and the Federal Appeals Court (in California, no less) would reverse and reinstate the case for trial.  It eventually settled.  I am not privy to the terms of the settlement.  If I were, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

So because of my strong contempt for Consumers Union, life is more of a struggle.  I can’t use  Consumer Reports as a crutch when I need to buy a new toaster or ice cream maker.  I will probably survive.

I was playing golf the other day and my partner asked me, “Jack, now that you are retired, how are you occupying your time?”  It took me too long to respond.  I finally mentioned golf and my blog.  But, any of you who keep track of my blog know that I haven’t been spending a hell of a lot of time on it.  So, I decided to give some serious thought to this weighty issue.

I decided I feel pretty busy, but I know I’m not.  I’m just letting the meager tasks I have fill up my time.  Can you imagine how little pressure I feel?  It’s great!  Am I capable of doing more?  You bet.  But, deep down inside, I would resent having to shift gears.

I read a lot.  Once in a while, I read a worthy book, like Collin Powell’s “My American Journey”, or “1776” by David McCullough.  But, not very often.  I would rather read about Western heroes taking on incredible odds, like Louis L’Amour Sacketts, or Detectives like Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch catching the bad guys at great risk to life and limb.  Oh, and I want a happy ending – none of this Message in a Bottle crap where the hero dies in the end.  If I want heartache and sorrow, I’ll pick up the newspaper.  I read terribly slow, so reading is a commitment and my effort deserves a happy ending.

I study and play chess.  I have some great books on chess openings and even some kind of an on-line study program.  I am the proud owner of three computer chess games.  Each one is more sophisticated than the previously purchased one.  There lies the rub.  I hate to lose.  One chess computer I can beat almost all the time.  One I can beat about half the time, and my most sophisticated chess computer beats me like a rug (even at its lowest level).  It is also impossible to play head games with a computer.  But, it plays head games with me.  I take 3-5 minutes to make my move and bam!  It answers in two seconds.  Why couldn’t they have sent me one with a defective knight?

I am careful  about playing chess.  I think chess can be a sickness like drugs or alcohol and you can end up doing nothing but playing chess and dribbling out of the corner of your mouth.  Bobby Fischer is one of the basket cases I can cite.  So, I play intensely for a couple of weeks and then I step away (probably because I have lost two or three in a row).  I hate losing

Have you noticed a theme?  Never lose, happy endings.  It is something to strive for.  How about never getting sick?  That’s too much to ask for.

Being retired also provides us with the time we need to take care of our medical problems.  It takes me a certain amount of time just to organize my pills for the week.  Then, if I could just remember to take them.

The only special project I have taken on is fighting to keep 36 holes of golf at Fort Belvoir.  Some three-bags-full bureaucrat decided 27 holes were enough.  As you might know, the Army is going to position the Army Museum on the front nine of our Gunston course.  I devoted a number of hours to shooting down the Army’s first draft environmental assessment.  We are about due for the revised draft EA.  I’ll get another shot at this one, but I’ve already written about this before (The Army is Gobbling Up Golf Courses at Fort Belvoir), so I’ll pass on.

The bottom line is that if tomorrow someone asks me how I am occupying my time in retirement, I will probably pause too long in responding.  But, I won’t be concerned.  I’m having too much fun.

I seem to be dreaming more.  Maybe it is because I am sleeping more.  The retired life doesn’t require as many 0-dark-30 mornings.

My dreams are really stupid, but at least they aren’t scary anymore.  I think we have all had that dream where someone or something was after us AND we could not move.  You want to run, but you can’t.  Usually, when you wake up, you find that your legs are so tangled in the sheet that you can’t move.  On one occasion, I kicked off all my covers defending myself.  My bunk mate is still nimble enough to avoid my arms and legs when the war is on.

I think my favorite dream is when I can fly.  I just lean in a certain direction and up I go.  I don’t accomplish squat, but it’s pretty cool.  My dreams are so short and choppy that I can’t remember much about my flights.  Don’t know where or when.  I am always disappointed when I wake up and find myself grounded.

I spend a lot of time in my dreams losing things.  I can’t find my car or my golf clubs or suitcases.  I go back to where  they were and they’re not there.  On the way, I bump into old friends who are no help in finding my stuff.  I also spend a lot of time trying to find my room in hotels.  It’s like a Harry Potter movie where all the stairs shift.  For some reason I always think I know where I am going, but I never get there.  Hotel elevators take me strange places, but never to the floor where my room is supposed to be located.

The good news is that when things really go South, I tell myself, “this has got to be a dream.”  Yes, I do!  And, I wake up.  Isn’t that neat?  When your house is about to be consumed by flames and the fireman says, “You have to leave now.”  And, I say, “I think I’ll just wake up.

I don’t think I have ever had a dream worth evaluating.  There was the one where our President told us that under his health care program we would all live to be 150 years old and never be sick a day.  Maybe that is why it will cost less.

I’m trying to think if I was ever on a plane in one of my dreams.  I really don’t think so.  But, who needs a plane when you can fly?

For our 50th Wedding Anniversary, we were taking our kids and grandkids on an Alaskan cruise.  We had been planning the event for over a year.  Coaxing, encouraging and mildly threatening all to attend.  Talk about herding cats.  When children are grown and have their own families, interests and obligations spiral in many directions.  That’s why we started early, coaxing, prodding and even playing the guilt card.

Well, it worked, and with a couple of months to go, everyone had made their plans and had their passports.  Becky and Eddie and the two grown kids were driving from Prescott Valley, Arizona to Vancouver.  Paul and Sandy and their two kids were flying in two days early from Roanoke, Virginia, to see a little of Vancouver.  Missy and Terry and their two kids were flying in the day before the cruise from Jacksonville, Florida.  We were also flying in the day before from Springfield, Virginia.  It turned out that we were scheduled to be on the same plane with Missy and her family from Chicago to Vancouver.

One of the basic rules of flying is avoid Chicago during the summer.  Well, Carole and I eventually did.

Our United flight was to depart from Reagan National at 9:30 AM to Chicago.  Our philosophy is we would rather get to the airport early and wait, than have something go wrong.  Our neighbor, Jim Vancini, graciously gave us a ride to the airport.  We arrived at 7:15 AM and checked in.  We had used frequent flyer miles to upgrade.  We were informed at the counter that we were flying Ted, not United, to Chicago and there were no first class seats on Ted.  Our first class seats from Chicago to Vancouver had also disappeared.  Then the plane was delayed until 10:24 AM.  As we only had one hour to make our connection in Chicago, it looked like we would miss it.

I am usually an optimist  and I figured if our flight was late, maybe the flight to Vancouver would also be delayed.  Missy and family (minus one), who had arrived in Chicago, confirmed that the Vancouver flight had been pushed back.  Tyler, Missy’s son, had a last minute mandatory university obligation, which dropped him from the trip. 

After we were on board and in the queue to take off, the captain came on the intercom and told us they had “weather” in Chicago and we had been put on “hold.”  We sat for 30 minutes and then the captain came on again and advised that they had shut down the Chicago tower because of a possible tornado.  What a helpless feeling.  We couldn’t get back to our gate because it was occupied by another plane.  So, we sat.

A little before noon, we taxied back to the gate.  I had spoken to a flight attendant about our 50th wedding anniversary cruise and they were concerned.  One of them said they would talk to an agent about a flight from Dulles to Seattle which might help us.  When the plane got back to the gate, a very helpful manager hooked us up with an agent.  The Seattle flight had already departed.  BUT, Air Canada (an affiliate of United) had a flight to Toronto where we could connect to Vancouver.  While it took an hour and a half, the crew actually got our luggage off of the Chicago flight.  The flight to Toronto  departed at 5:45 PM, so, again, we had plenty of time.

We picked up our luggage, checked in with Air Canada, had a leisurely lunch and went back through security.  We were getting good at many of these tasks.  We could see the light at the end of the tunnel.   And, from then on, everything went relatively well.  In Toronto, we sat on the plane for over an hour waiting for connecting passengers and then the push-back vehicle wouldn’t work.  I had visions of something getting broken.  But by 9:30 PM, Carole and I were in the air, destination Vancouver.

Missy, Terry and Kristin had not been so fortunate.  Our last call from Missy told us that all flights out of Chicago had been canceled.  They had been booked on an early flight the next day to Denver with a connecting flight  to Vancouver.  The next morning when they got to the airport, they found out the Denver flight had been delayed so that they could not make the Denver to Vancouver flight.  Did I earlier mention helpless feelings.  It is a helpless feeling when you can’t get from here to there.

Terry went up and talked to a United agent about their plight and the next thing he was frantically waiving to Missy and Kristin.  It turned out that because of all the canceled flights the day before, United had put on an additional flight from Chicago direct to Vancouver!  They were seated in the first class section and away they went.  Of course, their luggage was still waiting for the Denver flight.  But, we all made the ship.  Missy’s last suitcase showed up two days later when we docked in Icy Straits, Alaska.

The anniversary cruise was everything we planned for and expected.  There were only two mandatory formations, the life boat drill and the family photo session.  That will be this years Christmas card – no not the life boat drill.