I was watching Monday Night Baseball on ESPN.  It was the Yankees and the White Sox, and after Johnny Miller and Joe Morgan discussed the A-Rod play from the previous Thursday, Joe posted on the screen the “Baseball Rules of Etiquette.”  I’ll bet they wrote them out that afternoon.  It is the first time in my life that I have heard of the “Baseball Rules of Etiquette.”  Holy Cow!

One rule was kind of obvious, you aren’t supposed to spike the shortstop or the second baseman to break up a double play.  I don’t think you should spike anyone under any circumstances.  But, they put the list together rather quickly and probably didn’t think of that.  Alex Rodriguez, while running from second base to third base, with two outs, hollered at Howie Clark, Toronto’s third baseman.  Clark was camped under a pop fly third out.  When he heard A-Rod, he thought someone was calling him off the ball.  He stepped aside and the ball dropped, leading to more Yankee runs.  A-Rod’s action made Joe’s etiquette list.  Baseball etiquette now demands that a base runner not holler at a fielder.  Maybe it is OK if its a ground ball.  Maybe not.  I think Major League Baseball needs an Etiquette Committee to resolve such issues.

What in the world is going on.  Baseball players have always tried to get away with whatever they could.  We are not talking about the “Gentlemen of the Diamond,” it’s the Boys of Summer playing a game.  If a fielder swipes at a tag and misses the base runner by a good foot and the umpire calls the runner out, should the fielder notify the umpire that he missed the tag?  What is the proper etiquette?  Golfers call  penalties on themselves.  I submit that if the fielder did notify the ump, he would be banished from the clubhouse.  One of the first things you learn in Little League is don’t ever help the umpire.

Another item on Joe Morgan’s list is a batter should never look back at the catcher when he is giving signals or giving a target for the pitcher.  Batters do it all the time, but at their own risk.  If they get caught, they become the target.  That’s called “self-policing.”  Of course, a runner on second base will try to steal the catcher’s signals and also, notify the batter whether the target is inside or outside.  The runner would not point or do anything obvious.  He will make a subtle signal.  Self-policing can come into play here, also.

Everyone seems to agree that in a close play at home plate, there is no etiquette to be found.  If the ball beats the runner, then the runner will try to blast the catcher (who may be distracted catching the ball) hoping to dislodge the ball.  It’s OK to knock the catcher over as long as you don’t holler at him while you are giving him a concussion.  The other scenario is that the ball is late, so the catcher blocks the plate so the sliding base runner can’t touch home plate.  In that case, the runner has a right, even an obligation, to knock the catcher ass over tea kettle.  But, no hollering.

I wonder if all this silliness would have taken place if it had been someone else rather than A-Rod.  He is something of a Lightning-Rod.  I hope the game doesn’t change.  They should bury the etiquette list.  Let’s keep stealing signals, decoying runners and stalling so that the relief pitcher can warm up.  When the other team’s outfielder is running back to catch the ball and is just about to hit the fence, I will be yelling, “plenty of room, plenty of room.”  My only concern is to make sure he hears me.

I really like country music.  I didn’t grow up with it, and, in fact, I didn’t care for it as a youth.  I thought it was too twangy and too corn-ball.

I remember when I was a kid going on vacation in the Ozarks, in Branson, Missouri, when Branson’s downtown area was one block long.  One of the popular country songs went like this.  “Oh, I was looking back to see, if you was looking back to see, if I was looking back to see, if you was looking back at me.”  Anyway, even though I committed the lyrics to memory, I left Branson satisfied that there was no social redeeming value to country music.

In the late Sixties, I was stationed in Germany.  The only English speaking radio station was Armed Forces Network (AFN)  which could be heard throughout the then Federal Republic of Germany.  If you were in your car and wanted to listen to an English speaking station, you listened to AFN.

I was assigned to the 4th Armored Division Headquarters in Goeppingen, which was about 30 miles East of Stuttgart and about 100 miles from most of our Division troops.  All of our troops had relocated much farther to the North and East.  That meant that I was usually traveling two or three times a week to see my “clients.”  I was defending soldiers in criminal cases.  Between 4:00
and 5:00 PM, AFN played country music.  The show was called “1605 to Nashville” (1600 hours is 4:00 PM in our military world).  At 1605 hours, I was usually driving home from some military unit and AFN was force feeding me country music.

Someone told me that if you played a country song backwards, the good-old boy gets his pick up, girl friend and hound dog back.  Well, the truth of the matter is that country songs do tell stories.  Some good and some so-so, but they do keep you awake!  Even though I was tired after a long day, listening to county music kept me wired.  I understand why all those truckers humming down the Interstate are listening to country music.

By the time I left Germany, I was sold on country music, at least while I was driving.  Then along comes Garth Brooks with “Friends in Low Places.”  I’ve played it for some of my friends who don’t like country music and by the end of the song, they were smiling and singing along.  If you have never heard “Friends in Low Places,” I can’t help you.

There are so many lines from these songs that are classics.  I can’t do them justice, but I will give you a few.  There is a song entitled, “Strawberry Wine,” in which Deena Carter is singing a song about first love and she sings, “I was thirsting for knowledge, and he had a car.”  That says it all!

My favorite group is Sugarland.  The lead singer is a cute, little gal named Jennifer Nettles.  The group has published two albums and both have gone platinum.  In the song, “There’s Got To Be Something More,” she sings, “Armageddon could be knocking at my door, but I ain’t gonna answer, that’s for sure.”  I have previously told you that country songs don’t always rhyme, but the way Jennifer sings “door” and “sure,” they rhyme!  This song is also helpful, because now you know what to do when Armageddon comes knocking at your door.  So don’t tell me that country music is just about honky-tonks, pick-up trucks, cheating and beer in Mexico.  It deals with significant problems like Armageddon.

Miranda Lambert is a feisty young female artist who writes most of her own lyrics.  She has a song and album out entitled, “Kerosene.”  Part of it goes, “Forget your high society, I’m soakin’ it in Kerosene.  Light ’em up and watch them burn, teach them what they need to learn.  HA!  Dirty hands ain’t made for shakin’, ain’t a rule that ain’t worth breakin’.  Well, I’m giving up on love, cause love’s given up on me.”   Yep, you guessed it.  It’s another cheating song.

This isn’t a perfect world and this may not be a perfect solution.  But, a fix is definitely needed and I’ll just throw this out as a possible solution.  I propose to have Paul Wolfowitz and Don Imus switch jobs.  That would make Imus the President of the World Bank and Wolfowitz a morning talk show host.

I know, you think I’m wacko, but hear me out.  First, Wolfowitz is too long a name, so we will call his show, “Wolfo in the Morning.”  You say he isn’t funny.  Well, neither is Imus.

There was a time when Imus was funny.  Many years back, Imus was a VJ (video jockey) for VH1.  We had just returned from Germany and video music was brand new to us.  It was really neat.  And, who was introducing the videos?  The I-Man.  When the video was finished, the camera would focus on Imus and Imus would focus on the camera.  There would be 10, 15, 20 seconds before Imus would say anything.  My wife and I thought he was making a silent commentary on the previous video.  We thought it was hilarious.  Later, we found out Imus was blitzed and it was taking him a while to focus.  But, Imus’ drug and alcohol days are behind him and his sobriety is just what you would hope to find in the President of the World Bank.

The President of the World Bank should be able to collect funds from contributing nations.  Imus has plenty of experience at collecting funds.  Anyone who has caught Imus’ show knows he has a nonprofit cattle ranch for sick children in New Mexico.  He was forever soliciting cattle and money for the ranch.  These skills should transfer nicely to the Bank.

You say Imus has offended people.  True, but he offends all people equally.  I think the President of the World Bank, on occasion, needs to be offensive.  Imus’ skills at being offensive are legendary.  We need a tough negotiator.  How would you like to be negotiating across the table from the I-Man?  CBS is about to find out.

Imus is married, so there is only a small chance that he would find a girlfriend at the Bank.  If he did, he certainly wouldn’t ship her off to the State Department.  And, with Wolfowitz on the air, his girlfriend could come back to the Bank.  I haven’t figured out whether she should get to keep her pay raises.  But, I don’t see where she did anything wrong.

As for Wolfo in the Morning, I think he is a natural.  There is no question that he will look better than Imus in a cowboy hat.  And, he wouldn’t spend all his air time hyping his ranch and his wife’s new book (we just have to hope that Wolfo’s girlfriend doesn’t write a book). 

One of the things that made Imus in the Morning work was the high-powered guests he had on.  Imus would carry on intelligent, insightful discussions with his guests (World Bank material?).  Wolfo has held many significant positions in the Government and could call on his distinguished friends to provide intelligent, insightful comments on his show.

Wait a minute.  I just found out that Wolfowitz wrote his doctoral dissertation on water desalination in the Middle East.  That would be more deadly than talking about the ranch.  Let’s just forget the whole thing.