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Random Thoughts

Any One for Tea?



I quit drinking coffee about 30 years ago.  I don’t think I ever really liked coffee.  It was just a right of passage.  When you grow up, you get to drink coffee.  Since I didn’t like the taste, I used to heap sugar in the cup.  Two or three teaspoons of sugar and it tasted OK, but they had to be heaping teaspoons.

Well, I was at a Rotary meeting in Junction City, Kansas.  It was time to get some coffee so we could stay awake during the speaker.  I asked a retired general sitting across from me if he would like a cup.  For the next five minutes, I was regaled with his story about how coffee made his hand shake.  He quit drinking coffee and his hand stopped shaking.  You just got the short, less dramatic, version.  The story made quite an impact on me.  In fact, I was having trouble heaping sugar into my cup because my hand was shaking.

I know that none of this makes sense, but there it is.  Was I just reacting to a thought that had been embedded in my thick skull?  I just don’t know.  And, of course, when I stopped drinking coffee, my hand stopped shaking.  So no more coffee.  That meant I could never be the lead character in a fictional crime novel.

So, just like that, I became a tea drinker.  Some of my friends said, “But, tea has caffeine too.”  It didn’t matter because my hand no longer shook.

The good news, from a health standpoint, was that I was getting rid of those 9-15 heaping spoons full of sugar.  I could artificially sweeten my tea and be perfectly happy.

My choice back then was the pink stuff (Sweet’n Low) or the blue stuff (Equal).  I was disturbed by the label on the pink stuff.  All those lab rats  getting cancer from overdosing on saccharin.  And Sweet’n Low contained saccharin.  I didn’t know if they were feeding it to the rats or shooting it between their toes, but it was still disturbing.  The main reason I selected Equal was that the pink stuff had a sickly sweet taste.  I’m big on sweet, but not sickly sweet.

For years, I just drank Lipton tea.  It consists of black tea, orange pekoe and had become a friend.  When I would go into an upscale restaurant and ask for hot tea, the waiter would appear at the table with a large mahogany box and flip it open with a flair.  I would look inside but see nothing that looked familiar.  I used to ask if they had Lipton tea (later I would ask for orange pekoe).  The waiter would look insulted and I would become indignant.  Then, Carole would grab my leg and all would become calm.  I would pick out some celestial herbal crap and smile.

Now, Splenda is everwhere.  So my choice for sweetener is pink, blue or yellow.  I felt like Goldilocks in the house of the three bears.  This one it too sweet; this one is not sweet enough; and this one is just right.

When I am fixing my tea at home and trying to tear open the sweetener, it still spills all over the counter.  But it has nothing to do with a shaking hand.  I’m just sloppy.

My Military Daze

Becoming a Pentagonian

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It wasn’t that I was avoiding the Pentagon.  I was really trying to avoid Washington D.C.  And that was a financial issue.  Life was expensive in DC and with a wife and three children, I was trying to be assigned to places I could afford.  How’s that for career management?

Well, in my 13th year, as I finished up Command and General Staff College (C&GSC) at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, I had run out of options.  I had been told earlier that a three year instructor’s tour at the JAG School in Charlottesville, VA, would be the same as a Pentagon tour.  When I parroted back to the assignment people what I previously had been told, they advised me that it was no longer applicable.  I would have asked what that meant, but I knew.

There were so many C&GSC students being assigned to Washington that the realtors came out to Fort Leavenworth to “help” us.  That worked out well.  We hooked up with Gloria Bothwell who 35 years later is still a dear friend.  Among the three of us, we selected a home in West Springfield that we loved, but could not afford.  $72,500 in 1975 was mountain top for us.  The owners wanted $73,000 and we insisted on a $500 reduction.  Even today, when I think about almost losing that house over $500, I break out in a cold sweat.  What’s $500 over a 30 year loan?

I was to be assigned to the Administrative Law Division of the Office of The Judge Advocate General (OTJAG).  That didn’t mean much to me.  The assignment officer told me that General Williams had selected me for the assignment.  I knew that General Williams was referred to as “Big Daddy”, but none of it meant much to me.  A previous assignment officer had told me that a tour at the JAG School counted for a DC tour.

In my first assignment in the Army, at Fort Hood, Texas, I worked for a Major Bill Neinast.  Now, as I was wrapping up C&GSC, and getting ready to move, I received a phone call from Colonel Neinast advising me that he was taking over the Litigation Division at OTJAG.  He said that he would like me to be one of his branch chiefs.  At that time, there was no branch chief slot available in Admin Law.  Neinast told me to give assignments (PP&TO) a call and tell them I would like to be assigned to the Litigation Division.

Lieutenant Colonel Dave Fontenella had been my boss at the JAG School and he was finishing up three years in the Pentagon as Chief of Labor Law.  I called him to see what he thought.  He told me very firmly and clearly that I was not to fiddle with my assignment.  “Go to Admin Law, do not pass go, and do not call PP&TO.”  It was great advice.  I suspect that one call to PP&TO at that time may not only have been considered stupid, but would have raised questions about whether I was the type of officer they wanted in OTJAG.  If that sounds Byzantine, it is.

So Major Rice started to work in the Admin Law Division at OTJAG.  I was an action officer (worker bee), but there were some clues that might lead one to conclude that I would shortly be the branch chief of the General Law Branch.  For instance, I was sitting at the branch chief’s desk.  There was no Admin Law deputy and Lieutenant Colonel Bill McKay, the General Law Branch chief, was sitting at the deputy’s desk.  All the other action officers were captains and I was a major when I left Germany, when I left Northwestern University, when I left Vietnam, when I left the JAG School and when I left C&GSC.  I had been a major so long I have forgotten my first name.

All of the above signals did not register with a young, tactless captain, also in the General Law Branch.  On a bus trip home, after work, he counseled me on how to get along in the office.  I was listening intently.  I need to explain that Admin Law was, to a great extent, the legal advisor to the Army Staff .  We spend all our waking hours preparing opinions advising them.  My young captain explained to me that if I turned in my draft opinions early, McKay would mark them up and send them back for a rework.  But, if you waited until the last minute and submitted the draft, McKay would have to make the changes himself, because there would not be time for a rework.  I listened to him wide eyed.  He also told me to relax, because I looked a little up tight.  He was right.

When the young naive captain was told he wasn’t working out, he requested an assignment to California.  We found him a post in the desert where they hadn’t had a JAG in two years.  We figured if they had gotten along without a JAG for two years, he would do just fine.

So, I had become a Pentagonian.  I was a branch chief, in a five- man car pool, and just barely making my house payments.

I had not been there too long when Brigadier General Joe Tenhet came across the hall and asked me when I was going to be promoted to lieutenant colonel.  I told him I was in the present zone for consideration, but didn’t know if I would be selected.  He told me that it was a lot more difficult to get my present assignment than to be promoted to lieutenant colonel.  After he left I decided to relax and not be so up tight.

Poems

Christmas Twenty-Ten


It’s that magical time of year when I sit down and write my silly Christmas poem.  I love doing it and I hope you enjoy reading it.  And a very Merry Christmas to you.





Christmas Twenty-Ten



There are things you can count on, and things that make you bristle,


There are things like death and taxes, and, of course, my Christmas missile.


The market had its ups and downs, with unemployment, pantries go bare,


But at least our south-of-the-border friends now have Obamacare.



We cruised to begin the year; we’re cruising at the end,


We floated through the Panama Canal, but what was around the bend?


As we pulled into Fort Lauderdale, the word was not so sweet,


The snow was coming to our home, not in inches, but in feet.


We had to act quickly, years in the military helped,


We jumped a flight, brought Nikki home, before she even yelped.



RAJA in Indy, Suter’s at the lake,


Concentrating on seeing friends, that was our major take.


We visited the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone National Park,


Slipped it tween the Holdaway’s and Baker’s, it became quite a lark.


Visited the O’Roark’s on a way to an occasion,


High school baseball reunion, I say with hesitation.


All East Side Flyers, we talked of games and hits,


But after fifty years, we didn’t bring our mitts.



We spent Thanksgiving with Paul and Sandy, Josh is now a Hokie,


Jack is growing like a weed, but his school behavior is a little smoky.


How could this happen?  How could this be?


I guess that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.


Paul has to commute all the way to Bland,


The trips not always smooth, the way that he planned.


He’s been hit by a sheet of ice, flying off of a truck,


And run down on the highway, by a good size buck


(Paul fared better that the deer).



Missy had an operation, repairs to her neck,


She needs to get better, after the terrible wreck.


Her spirits remain high, always makes the best,


And starting next fall, she’ll have an empty nest.


Tyler’s at Central Florida, cheering for the Knights,


Kristin’s a high school senior, reaching for new heights.



Terry’s job is in Ocala, an hour and a half away,


He likes what he’s doing, not to mention better pay.



Out in Arizona, down in Prescott Valley


Becky’s got her Masters, that’s quite a tally.


Eddie sold the taxi business, now what’s in sight,


Brandon transferred to NAU, J-School seems just right.


Grant’s a computer guy; he’s hooked on with Go Daddy,


Answering difficult questions, which make some folks go batty.



Mary and Blanche are hanging in there, at 95 and 93,


We’re thankful to still have them, we’re lucky as could be.


Carole enjoys finding recipes; her knees are working fine,


But, she gets exhausted easy; it’s hard to stand in line.


Jack tries to be helpful, when he’s not playing golf,


But there’s more time when he’s playing, than times when he’s off.


A Crystal Cruise is coming up to visit tropical isles,


Carole needs some pampering; she’ll get it with her wiles.



But we’ll be home for Christmas, and we’ll be thinking of you,


Much love and blessings for Christmas, and through the whole year too.






Merry Christmas


and


A Happy New Year




                    

The Judge Says

The Judge Says – Using the Lawyer as the Goat


One of my pet peeves is people who don’t want to tell their boss no, so they ask their friendly lawyer for an opinion.  Then when the lawyer tells them what they already knew, they run to their boss and say, “The judge says you can’t do it.”

March 13, 1981

“Hey Judge, Colonel Flapper wants to use unit funds to purchase that gear we were talking about.  Could you take a look at paragraph 7-2a of Army Regulation blankety-blank.  I don’t think the regulation lets us do that.”

“I agree,” sayeth the Judge.  “Thanks Judge.”

“Hey Colonel Flapper, I just talked to the JAG about using unit funds and he won’t let us.  Says it violates some regulation.”   “Damn, I wanted that gear.  You can always count on the lawyers to get in the way.”

Please excuse my mild paranoia, but I am convinced that the above is in my job description.  At my previous assignment, in a funny shaped building, I would receive correspondence that would ask, “Does para 4-3 prohibit us from doing this?”  I would pull out the regs and sure enough, para 4-3 would say, you can’t do it.  Then I would call the turkey who sent me the request and ask him why the dumb question?  The answer goes something like this.  “The boss really wants to do it and I don’t think he will believe me if I tell him that he can’t. But if you put it in writing, he’ll understand.  Sure he’ll understand.  He never had any doubt.  It’s those damn lawyers again.

We don’t like to tell commanders no.  We would rather have them tell us what they would like to do and then let us try to figure out how they can do it legally.  But it is also our responsibility to keep our clients out of trouble. When we see that there is a danger in what is proposed, then we have to stand up and be counted.  That comes with the territory.

But the type of responsibility I am talking about isn’t limited to lawyers.  We have all kinds of soldiers who are experts at what they do.  The best.  Each one of you who knows your job should let your boss know when you see something is wrong.  I’m not saying a soldier shouldn’t do what he/she is told.  What I’m saying is that if you see something wrong, something that doesn’t make sense, something that is dumb, let your boss know.  We ought to take advantage of everything we know and make it work for the organization.

Golf Daze

The Fort Belvoir Golf Course Struggle (Part 2)

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In May of last year, I wrote an article entitled, “Fort Belvoir is Gobbling Up Golf Courses.”  This dealt with the Army’s decision to site the Army Museum (NMUSA) on the front nine of the Gunston Golf Course.

The Army published a draft Environmental Assessment (EA) back in October 2008.  I don’t want to get too technical, but the Army is required to assess the environmental impact before they start big projects like the museum.  The Environmental Assessment covers more than just soil, plants and animals.  The Army must also look at the socioeconomic impact and how it will impact on the morale and welfare of the troops and dependents.  Their conclusion that 27 holes rather than 36 holes for the golfing community at Fort Belvoir would be plenty was void of evaluation and reasoning.  And, guess what?  After we (Concerned MWR Patrons) submitted our comments, the Army withdrew their draft EA and went back to the drawing board.

It has been two years since the original draft EA.  Last month the Army tried again in a new and improved draft EA.  This time it includes reconfiguring the golf courses to keep 36 holes.  It also states that the Army Historical Foundation (AHF) (the group building the museum) will pay to reconfigure the golf courses.  Now that’s progress.

We are moving in the right direction, but we aren’t there yet.  Unfortunately, the draft EA is internally inconsistent.  In one place it stated the golf courses will be reconfigured first (“The Army anticipates that reconfiguration of the North Post Golf Course golf holes would start in advance of the museum construction.”).  In another place, it states the new holes will come last (“the Army would construct new holes and redesign the North Post Golf Corse to return to 36 holes in a timely manner following the construction of the NMUSA.”).  What’s going on?  Too many cooks in the kitchen?

If none of this is making any sense, I would recommend that you stop reading.  It is just going to get worse.

The requirement to reconfigure the golf courses is called a “mitigating measure.”  If the Army can mitigate the problems created by museum construction, such as tearing up the golf courses, then they can preclude any significant impact on the environment and will not have to prepare on Environmental Impact Statement (EIS).  Preparing an EIS is a pain and the Army doesn’t want to go there.

Federal environmental regulations prohibit doing mitigating measures after the fact (32 CFR Part 651.15 (c)).  So the language “in a timely manner following the construction of the NMUSA” is a joke.  Mitigation after the fact is no mitigation at all.  The Army ought to know this.  If we can read the Federal regulations, so can they.

My biggest concern is that the Army starts construction, tears up the Gunston front nine and then, because of lack of funds, the project just drags on.  This is not idle speculation.  Hopefully Congress won’t appropriate any MCA funds until the AHF has the money to finish the job.

The regulations also require the Army to keep “interested parties” informed as to what is going on.  On this matter, they have a long list of interested parties.  Guess who is not on the list?  That’s right, the Concerned MWR Patrons.  We have asked to be put on the list.  We clearly fall under the definition of an interested party.  They just won’t do it.  I know we have been a thorn in their side, but it is a self-inflicted wound.  In the words of my wife, they should “get over it.”  If they can’t figure out that we are an interested party, then I can certainly understand why they can’t seem to get anything else right.  I just hope I am not writing about the litigation of this matter two years from now in Part 3.

Newsflash – The Concerned MWR Patrons have submitted their comments to the Army and you can find them at www.concernedmwrpatrons.org.

Random Thoughts

Brett Farve to Play this Weekend!


In a surprising change of events, it appears that Brett Farve will play this Sunday against the New England Patriots.  Earlier it had been announced that Brett had fractured his left ankle in the game against Green Bay.  If Brett did not start, his 291-game starting streak would come to an end.

It was determined by the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, that a halt to the streak would not be in the best interest of the National Football League.  Consequently, Goodell is implementing the “walker” rule for Farve.  This means that he will be able to have the assistance of a walker while he is on the field.  Goodell stated, “Many elderly people use walkers and they are generally accepted in our society.”  Goodell explained that Farve using a walker also has its disadvantages.  First, Farve will not be able to take snaps under the center.  And, the center will have to snap the ball higher so that it travels over the walker.

Viking coach, Brad Childress, recognizes that a walker might get busted.  “It’s a violent game.”  So he has a number of backup walkers ready to go just in case.  Goodell added that it will be a penalty for any defensive player to specifically target the walker.  That will constitute an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and cost the defense 15 yards and an automatic first down.

Farve says he is good with the new rules.  It has been rumored that he has already emailed a picture of his walker to Jenn Sterger.  Farve said that he had texted her, but that he had not sent a picture. Sterger has an attorney and will not comment.

Farve thanked Commissioner Goodell for the new rule.  Farve said it was important that he keep playing because an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.

Golf Daze

Golf Digest’s Mystification and Bewilderment

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In this October’s issue of Golf Digest, they have 30 pages addressing “Why you can’t putt.”  It was hyped as “the ultimate guide to make you great on the greens.”  I knew it was nonsense, but it got my attention.

I don’t know about golf magazines.  Sure, I subscribe, but do they help my game?  I don’t think it helps me to learn what clubs some pro has in his bag.  I am certain that if all his clubs are TaylorMade, then they are paying him to play with their clubs.  I don’t object to the system.  In fact, I would play with Walmart clubs if they would pay me.

The 30 pages on putting turned out to be a series of articles.  One was an extensive study of the brain.  It included colored pictures of the brains of players putting.  Players with their brains colored red were not doing as well as players with brains colored blue.  Red indicated the player was thinking of missing the putt or concentrating too much on mechanics.  Blue indicated focus on the target or “feel.”  I’ve decided my new mantra on the putting green will be, “think blue, think blue.”

One helpful hint was, if you are standing on your tip toes, your putter may be too long.  Another is, if you are leaving your putts short, you may not be hitting them on the center of the club, which is referred to as the “sweet spot” (or you may not be hitting the ball hard enough).  Their answer is to get a larger putter that has a weighted outside frame.  My answer is to hit the ball on the sweet spot.  I can see the need for more forgiving irons when taking a full swing, but for putting?  You seldom take the putter back 12 inches.

I’m not too swift, so some of this stuff just went over my head.  On reading greens (something I would like to do better), I’m supposed to find the “zero line.”  I think that is something like the green’s Continental Divide.  On one side of the line, everything flows to the Atlantic, and on the other side, the Pacific.  I figured out that if you are on the Pacific side, the ball will break to the left.  Atlantic side – right.  I wish I had known this sooner.  I think this new found knowledge, coupled with a blue brain, may take some of the challenge out of the game.

There’s an article  by Mike Shannon, entitled “How to roll every putt on line.”  No, it’s not the Mike Shannon I knew at Mizzou back in 1958.  He went on to play third base for the St. Louis Cardinals and now broadcasts their games.  The golf-instructing Mike says that 35% of golfers see a straight line when they putt and 65% see a curved line.  I guess my problem is that I don’t know which group I am in.  I think I will go with the curved lines.  That way I have a 65% chance of being right.  OK, are you ready for my system?  I look at the hole and decide if I putt the ball directly at the hole how many inches will I miss on the low side.  Then, I putt that number of inches above the hole.  If I miss, I blame it on the speed of the green.

One of the really helpful bits of information was that if you really want to be a great putter, you need to start before you are ten years old.  And, you need to seriously putt for at least two hours every day.  There goes the piano lessons.  So what comes next?  What do I have to do to be a better than average putter?

There was an article that stated that men were better putters than women.  They threw in a lot of statistics so they wouldn’t sound sexist.  It didn’t work.  But they do have the valid point that men seem to have more competition and are playing for more money.  Then along comes Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary psychologist.  He states, and I quote, “Throughout evolutionary history, women have been attracted to winners of competitions.  A man believes that if he wins, he’s going to get laid.”  So this is the reason men play better than women?  Doctor K., how you think and talk.  I am wondering why there is a need for an evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics.  I’ll bet Dr K. really felt smug when Tiger was exposed.  “See, see!”

The bottom line is that the articles have made me a better putter.  Not because of anything written, but because I became curious about the other Mike Shannon.  It turns out Mike is quite a putting instructor and has a number of putting videos on golfersmd.com.  His instruction is great and the price is right.  The irony is that if his name had been anything other than Mike Shannon, I wouldn’t have looked him up.  I certainly didn’t look up weird Doctor Kanazawa.

Random Thoughts

A Quirky Pen Buying Habit

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If you live to be seventy and you don’t have any quirks, you might want to check your pulse.  You may be dead.  I’m sitting here in my green visor thinking about another quirk I have.  I like to buy pens.  No, not expensive pens.  If you are going to be quirky, make sure your quirks are reasonably inexpensive.

Consequently, I have lots of pens.  I have boxes of pens.  Many that I have purchased worked well at the store, but not so good at home.  After about a week, they end up in a box.  You can’t throw away a one-week old pen.  After about a year, I go through the box and pitch them.

My quest is to find the perfect writing instrument.  I went through fountain pens, ball points, porous points and finally locked on to roller balls.  At this moment, I am wild about gel roller balls.  The Cross pen with a gel roller ball refill is superb.  But, the pen costs $30 to $50 and has the ability to hide itself.

I used to have one Cross pen with a fine porous point tip.  But it was always disappearing.  Many times it would be hiding in the couch.  Searching the car for a lost pen is great sport.  Even if you don’t find the pen, you may find coins, combs or a fingernail file.  It’s better than a scavenger hunt.  And, many times I would find a number of pens.  “Welcome back.  You go in the box.”

I probably buy two to three pens a month.  Always on the quest.  Presently, I’m partial to Sanford Uniball pens.  And, Sanford seems to know it.  Each time I go into an Office Depot, Staples or PX,  Sanford has something new for me (or, they have repackaged something old).  “Hi, I’m Jack and I’m a compulsive pen buyer.”  “Hi Jack.”

Some pens write better on certain paper than others.  Sometimes a fine point is best.  But, most of the time bold is better.  The disadvantage with bold is when you put it in your pants pocket uncapped.  This happens to me frequently.  This has led to another quest – seeking the perfect stain remover.  My wife encourages me to wear dark trousers.  Retractable pens are not the answer.  You don’t have to cap them, but you do have to retract them.

What happens when you buy a pen you really thought your were going to like, but you don’t?  And, it came in a package of eight.  Now you have seven new pens you can’t even put in a box.  I try to give them away or leave them in places where other people will find them.  One lady stopped me to advise that I had forgotten my pen.  I thanked her, but I wanted to tell her to mind her own business.

I spend a disproportionate amount of time just wondering where certain pens are.  I have particular places on each level of the house where I place them, but they find other places to hide.  When I was working in DC, I could go through all of my suits (pants pockets, coat pockets) searching.  That was exciting.  But now that I am retired, I seldom where a suit.  My most recent purchase (with very high hopes) has vanished.  I’ll be back, I’m going to look in the car.  Well, I’m back.  I didn’t find that pen, but I found another.  Unfortunately, it’s one of the eight I have been trying to get rid of.

You may think I am wasteful buying pens I don’t use.  But I feel like I am helping the economy.  And, it gets me out of the house.

Poems

Tauck Tours – Yellowstone and Grand Tetons SLS # 26

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We just completed another vacation tour with Tauck Tours.  It’s a first class operation.  As I previously have done after our trip to Ireland and the California Gold Coast, I prepared a poem of the trip.  The poem deals with some aspects of the trip that may be only funny to those who shared the trip.  Like the float trip down the Snake River.  Beautiful shots of the Tetons, but very little wild life.

We met in Rapid City, for fun not for a job,
To see the National Parks, with our leader, Cowboy Rob.

Crazy Horse and Mount Rushmore, we saw in changing weather,
Ole’ Horzak and Gutzon had their stuff together.

At the Ranch at Ucross, I think I got took,
Every time I turned around, I was buying another book !
But, there were horses, to show our abilities,
And best of all, – – – Indoor facilities.

The Big Horn Mountains took us to Cody, and Buffalo Bill’s presentation,
Western art and Indian culture, things to be proud of our nation.

Then on to Yellowstone and things not well understood,
Do you really believe, as we were told, that forest fires are good?
We saw prong horn antelope, elk and moose,
In the National Parks, they all run loose.
We even heard what sounded like a toad,
And saw a buffalo walking down the road.

Old Faithful was fantastic, we thought we had seen it all,
Then in the middle of the night, buffalo thundered down the hall.

The incredible Grand Tetons, a magnificent scene,
From the porch or the raft, it was like a dream.
Then we fixed up a cabin, hard work it ain’t,
We scraped and we brushed, till we ran out of paint.
The costumes were wild, it really was a hootie,
I heard one guest exclaim, “brother can you spare a bootie?”

The float trip was like a haven,
– – We saw three ducks and a raven!

Then out of the high country, down to Salt Lake City,
Tabernacles, temples, it all looked so pretty.

Took a tour of Olympic Park, the luge and bob sled run,
The loop de loop and ski jump, golly, that looks like fun.

Now we’re done, we’ve made new friends
It’s always melancholy, when the tour ends.
What a great group, always so prompt,
But Rob had advised, be late, be stomped.

With Steve at the wheel, Rob’s voice just purrs,
Many thanks to you guys, you’ve earned your spurs.

The Judge Says

The Judge Says – Too Good To Be True


September 11, 1981

“Folks, we are going to give you a new camera, and the film is also free and all you have to pay for is a small processing fee to have the film developed.”  Does that sound familiar?  Yep, the old door-to-door huckster.  Have you ever wondered how these salesmen make a living when they give everything away free?  The answer is you will pay big for everything you get.

Here are some of the door-opening gimmicks.  “This offer is only available to members of the Armed Forces (Golly, they found a soldier living in Junction City – What a break).  Another way they get in your door is they tell you they are only taking a survey.

They will look you right in the eye and swear that what they want to talk about won’t cost you a cent. (that’s true, it’s going to cost you big bucks).  They will tell you that your name was randomly selected out of the phone book (so was your next door neighbor and his neighbor).

Back to the camera deal.  The camera is free, the film is free and over a two year period, you only pay $450 for film processing.  For 450 bucks you can get an oil painting.  Such a deal!

Let me give you a couple of rules for handling these turkeys.  First, no honest salesman is going to insist that you must sign the contract at the time he gives his pitch.  This bit about “this offer is only good tonight” is bull.  What do you think he will be doing the next night?

I have had salesmen in my house (whom I thought were reputable) who insisted that the offer was only good that night.  I turned red, my upper lip puffed out and I escorted them to the door.  They do this every night for a living, but your offer is only good for that night.  Think about that.  Balderdash.

Second, if you get taken in by these smooth talking snake oil salesmen, I have good news for you.  Under Kansas and Federal law you have a three-day cooling off period in which you can cancel the contract.  But you need to move fast.  If they can slip and slide, they will.

Another gimmick they will use is to tell you they will pay the down payment and you can pay them back later.  They want your signature in the worst way.  Once they’ve got it, they gotcha.

There used to be a clothing store in St. Louis that when you bought a belt, they threw in a free pair of trousers.  But, of course, the belts were not cheap.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may receive this totally free introductory offer simply by writing your name and address on the back of a ten dollar bill and sending it to me.