The Judge Says

The Judge Says – In Time of Crises

I wrote the below article shortly after President Reagan was shot back in 1981.  It brought back horrible memories to many of us and I felt the need to say something.


April 3, 1981

I’m going to try to say something serious (emphasis on the word “try”). It will probably be in the next paragraph because this one has already gotten out of hand.  Being serious is not easy for me.  However, I have had some difficulty in finding material since Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman went off the air.  But, as a young trial attorney, I found that saying something silly would confuse the other side, and the judge and sometimes the jury.  And when your client was observed committing the crime and then confessed, the only thing you have left on your side is a hope for confusion.

I took leave this week and was coming back from Herington, Kansas when KJCK interrupted its regular programming.  It announced that while the facts were still sketchy, it appeared that President Reagan had been shot. Those of us who lived through the 1963 President Kennedy ordeal surely relived horrible thoughts and memories.  That terrible, helpless feeling of again not knowing.  In the next few hours, the radio and TV announced everything from the President had not been hit, to the other extreme that the doctors were gearing up for open heart surgery.  Again, that helpless feeling of just not knowing.

At times like this there is a great desire to do something.  This just fuels the frustration, because it seems there is very little that any of us can do. But, at the same time, think about these things.

First, we are a constitutional government that will continue regardless of what tragedy occurs.

Second, in order to ensure that continuation, the United States must be strong.  This strength is transmitted to other nations in many ways, but probably the most significant is by our military power.

Lastly, we who wear the uniform of our nation have the ability on a daily basis, to do our utmost to make this great Army better.  Our military community, which includes the civilian work force and all family members, also has the ability to contribute.

So, when that helpless feeling starts gnawing, keep in mind that serving our nation at a time of crises is nothing to take lightly.  Everyday, your effort and energy is doing something toward making this nation’s Army a little bit better.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
My Military Daze, Random Thoughts

They Don’t Make Halloween Like They Used To

I truly don’t know the history of Halloween and I can’t push myself to find out.  I may be better off not knowing.  It’s a time when kids can dress up in costumes and race around the neighborhood collecting candy from their neighbors.  This is very important to the economy.  All the grocery stores, drug stores and Walmart make lots of money selling candy to people who have no choice but to buy it.  That reminds me, I saw a cartoon in the Washington Post where Obama was on the television saying, “If you are happy with the candy you collected on Halloween, then you can keep it.”  The little kids in front of the TV looked horrified!

I don’t remember dressing up when I was in college.  But I guess it’s a problem, because the University of Colorado has put out rules as to what students shouldn’t wear.  I think they went overboard. They don’t want anyone to wear a sombrero or to dress up like a cowboy or an Indian.  What in the world are they doing?  They said you shouldn’t have a theme party where people dress up like “white trash” or a “hillbilly.”  I’m not an expert on political correctness, but I think it is quite insulting to call a group of people “white trash.”  So I don’t think the PC people at Colorado University should be referring to this group that they are trying to protect as “white trash.”  Just as I have refrained from calling the CU PC people pretentious jerks.

When I was a kid, “trick or treat” had meaning.  We all had a bar of soap (or paraffin), and if no one opened the door, we decorated their window.  Now the kids don’t even go door to door.  There is something called “trunk or treat.”  Parent drive their vans and SUVs to the school or church yard and open up their “trunks” and the kids, hopefully not dressed like a cowboy or “white trash” get treats out of the trunks of the cars.  I’m concerned as to where this will lead. What if the parents have a small economy car?  Kids will be saying, “Gee, he doesn’t have a very big trunk.”  This could lead to trunk envy.

One thing I did learn from the CU instructions.  I found out that “squaw” is an offensive word.  Some Native American woman explained it all on Oprah, so that makes it official.  I must have missed that show.  I’m just sitting here trying to figure out what we should call Squaw Valley.  How about Native American Woman Valley?

When I was stationed at Cooke Barracks in Goeppingen, West Germany, we had a Halloween party at the Officers’ Club.  About two weeks before the party we had an incident on post.  A brand new Second Lieutenant who was assigned to the Engineering Office beat up his wife.  He really did a job on her and she ended up in the Army Hospital in Stuttgart.  She didn’t want anything to happen to her husband and without her help, we were at a loss.

They even came to the Halloween party at the Club.  The Second Lieutenant came dressed as Dracula with blood on his fangs and the petite little wife appeared as a ghoul with blood dripping and her body wrapped in gauze!  After that, I quit worrying about the poor little damsel (I wonder if it is alright to say damsel?).

At the same party was a newly assigned major and his statuesque wife.  He came dressed as a special forces night fighter and his bride came dressed like Jeannie in “I Dream of Jeannie.”  If you are too young to remember Barbara Eden, it’s your loss.  Anyway, between ghouls and “I Dream of Jeannie,” it was quite a night.

The problem with writing a lot and getting older is that you can’t remember what you have published.  Carole thinks I have already written about being struck by lightning in Viet Nam.  I have used the available search engines on my site and I can’t find it. She is still probably right.  So, I’ll make this quick.  A few years after the Halloween party, special forces night fighter and I were assigned to the 1st Cav headquarters in Viet Nam.  Carole and “I Dream of Jeannie” were both spending the year at Schilling Manor in Salina, Kansas.

We got rocketed every night, but never twice a night.  The VC would set up, hit and run.  I never told Carole about the rockets. I truly did not feel threatened.  However, the special forces night fighter would tape messages to “I Dream of Jeannie” during the incoming. Jeannie told Carole and Carole wanted to know what was going on.  I tell her there’s about as much chance if me being hit by a rocket as being struck by lightning.  Three weeks later, I was talking on a poorly grounded telephone line when lightning struck the wire and knocked me across the room.  I survived!

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
Random Thoughts

It’s Been Five Years. I Know You Are Out There.

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One of the inside jokes in the Army is “All Army programs are doomed to success.”  That’s a head scratcher.  But, if you think about it, it’s the only way the Army can get rid of a bad program. Declare it a success and move on.  For example, “Zero Defects” was a disaster. Any mistake was a defect and the Army was prohibited from having any.  Hey, let’s declare that mess a success and get rid of it.  

Then there was “McNamara’s 100,000.”  This was back in the Sixties. Secretary of Defense McNamara was convinced that the Army should draft 100,000 Category Fours.  Cat Fours were those we considered too intellectually challenged to join the Army.  That’s right, really, really dumb (IQs of 65 or below).  Well, the Army did it for three years.  They gave distinctive service numbers to the Cat Fours so they could be identified and tracked.  I guess there might have been a few success stories.  The program was run by a bunch of Army sociologists whose purpose was to make the program succeed.  It succeeded as all Army programs succeed.

My personal experience was to represent one of the 100,000 as he cut a swath through Deutchland.  I was a young Captain doing defense work for the 4th Armored Division in Goeppingen.  I was appointed his counsel after he got in a fight downtown and tore up a gasthouse.  Lieber Gott.  I think his name was Jake and I can almost see him.  He was not a big guy and looked harmless enough. He had a twinkle in his eye.  I think I got him off with an Article 15 (nonjudicial punishment).  From then on, it was like I had him on a retainer.  Later, he got into it with a German taxi driver.  It was always hard to understand him, but I think he decided he was being overcharged.  So he didn’t pay.  The cab driver produced a pistol and Jake took it away from him and beat him with it.  Jake was not good for German American relations. Because the pistol belonged to the cabbie, I had some success in getting Jake off.

The last time I saw Jake was when he came by my office to say goodbye.  He had his arm in a sling.  It appeared he had recently flipped a jeep.  His buddy was still in the hospital, but was going to be OK.  Jake was being reassigned to Viet Nam.  I thought long and hard about whether I should notify someone.  I wasn’t concerned about him hurting himself, but what about the soldiers in his unit?What about the cab drivers in Saigon?

If you are wondering whether all this is leading to me declaring this blog a success, rest easy.  I’m having too much fun. GoDaddy.Com manages my web site, so all I have to do is write and publish.  Plus, every time I go to GoDaddy.Com, I get to see Danica Patrick.

GoDaddy also keeps stats on how many visits I get.  When I started out, I got very few visits.  Of course, I had very few blogs up.  If I got a hundred hits a week I was delighted.  Now, I have over 230 blogs/articles and I have had my site “visited” over a thousand times in one day.  GoDaddy has assured me that none of these visits to my site were from web crawling bots!  What in the world is a web crawling bot?  All I can think of is in the movie, Matrix, there were all these mechanical bees that were always attacking.  Maybe they were web flying bots.  The only thing I know for sure is that if the web crawling bots visited my web site, they were not counted. Web crawling NSA?  I’m not so sure.

In 2008, I wrote a blog entitled, “Bomb Threats at Washington Square.”  Washington Square was the name of the building I worked in.  A disgruntled former employee of Morton’s Steakhouse, located in our building, called in 20 to 30 bomb threats over the summer.  Life was bad.  Anyway, I got an extraordinary number of hits on this blog.  I finally figured out it was our federal spooks checking up on me.  But, anybody dumb enough to put “Bomb Threat” and “Washington” in the same title deserves to be checked out.

Anyway, I know you are out there, but I would like to hear from you. I have a half dozen dear friends who send me comments and once in a while, out of the blue, I get an email from someone who liked something I wrote.  But, let me know you are out there.  I wrote a blog entitled, “It’s a German Thing.”  It was accurate, but not complimentary of Germans.  I got a comment from a German written in German using the “F” word.  Yes, they too have the “F” word.  The beauty of the system is that with one stroke I deleted the comment.  I wonder if he was a cab driver.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
Political Thoughts, Random Thoughts

Redskins Forever

1 Comment

Things you can count on: Death, Taxes and someone complaining about the name of the beloved Redskins.  I don’t blame President Obama for raising the issue.  If I were the President and fumbling through my fifth year like a rookie, I, too, would be trying to divert attention to mundane matters like the name of the Washington Redskins.

Obama said, if he were the owner of the Redskins, he would think about changing the name.  If he were the owner, and ran the Washington Redskins the way he is running the country, he wouldn’t have to change the name.  The famous franchise would collapse faster than Solyndra and there would be no Washington Redskins.

Bob Costas used his two minutes of half-time, prime-time to say that the name Redskins was an insult and a slur.  Of course the Redskins have been around since 1933 and all the fans, including many Native Americans, have been honoring the team.  I’m sure Bob Costas has been referring to the Washington team as the Redskins on radio and TV for at least 30 years.  I guess it was alright for him to use that “insult” or “slur” for all that time and now, to become righteous. Hallelujah.  The scales have fallen from my eyes.

I will say that the term redskin can be used in a derogatory manner. So can Yankee.  Believe me, there are thousands and thousands of people in this country that use the name Yankee as an insult.  I’ve been called a Yankee when it was definitely intended as an insult, a slur.  What’s the rule?  If one person is offended?  Whoops, there goes the New York Yankees.  I never liked them anyway.

Owner George Marshall changed the name of his team in 1933 from the Boston Braves to the Boston Redskins (Shortly thereafter, the Washington Redskins).  This was done to honor and bring attention to their coach, Lone Star Dietz, who believed he was a Sioux.  He went to an Indian school in Oklahoma and then to the Carlisle Indian School in Carlisle, Pennsylvania.  He played football at Carlisle with Jim Thorpe.  If you don’t know who Jim Thorpe was, please go back to reading some tweets.  Later, questions were raised as to whether Lone Star actually was an Indian, but so what? Maybe he spoke with a forked tongue, but it is irrelevant to our discussion.

One TV show asked people to comment on whether they were offended by the name Washington Redskins.  One viewer wrote in and said the part of the name that offended him was Washington. When the Irish immigrated to this country, they were a minority that was known for heavy drinking and fighting.  So some people might think that calling a team the “Fighting Irish” is an insult or a slur. What do you think, Bob?  At one time, it probably was.

I’m sensitive to not insulting people.  If a group wants to be called something, I say OK.  I’ll call them that.  And, if a few years later, they decide for the third or fourth time, they want to be called something else, I’ll go along.  But for 81 years, we have been honoring the Redskins and for some politically correct numbskull to claim we are insulting somebody is outrageous. 

I’m not a big Dan Snyder fan and I blame him for much that has gone wrong during his ownership (I have written on this before), but I’m with him on not changing the name.  I hope he sticks it out. He is taking a lot of heat and for that one thing, I commend him.  I wish the PC crowd would move on to deciding what Chrysler should do about the Jeep Cherokee.  

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
Political Thoughts

Why is Congress Still Getting Paid?

2 Comments
I, for one, completely understand what Congress is doing.  You see, when I was 11, I had my own bat and ball.  I was the only kid in the neighborhood with a bat and ball.  And when the game wasn’t going my way, I would take my bat and ball and go home.  That would end the game and really teach those other kids.  The only difference between me and Congress is that I grew up!  What in the world is going on?
 
I have always considered myself a Republican.  I think the reason is that I believe in strong national security.  And through the years, I have seen the military being cut to the bone by the Democrats and grown and nourished by Republican administrations.  That’s a message that doesn’t go unnoticed.  The other issue I’m big on is fiscal responsibility and the Republicans get better marks there.
 
I’m not a fanatic on right to life or a woman’s right to choose.  I understand both sides and wish them well.  I strongly support the Second Amendment, but have no problem with large, dangerous cities using their police powers to try to control hand guns.  And, I can’t think of one legitimate reason why a private citizen needs to have an automatic weapon.
 
Now that I am no longer 11, I don’t understand what Congress is doing.  During my military career, I had the good fortune to attend the Army War College.  One of their main messages was, “what got you here is not going to work for you in the future.”  As a junior officer, everything was black or white.  No shades.  Orders were followed and never questioned.  Now, as a senior officer you had to deal with people who could say, “No.”  What you did as a junior officer would no longer work.  You couldn’t tell Congress you wanted so many tanks and so many artillery pieces.  You had to be willing to negotiate and compromise.  I remember what went into The Civil Rights Act of 1968.  Both sides of the isle fighting for what they believed in and then compromising for the good of the country.
 
That’s probably why I am so unhappy with Obamacare.  It wasn’t both sides negotiating for the good of the country.  It was one side ignoring the other side and forcing the law down its throat.  And it was passed in the dark of the night without hardly anyone knowing what was in it.  BUT, it passed Congress and was signed by the President and the Supreme Court decided it was constitutional.  It may not work, but it is at this particular moment, the law of the land.  If it fails or turns out to be a disaster, I’m sure we can fix it or get rid of it.  But for the House Republicans to take their bat and ball and go home is really stupid. The country deserves a budget and the Republicans are going to take the major blame for this idiotic trick.
 
I have something I call GM Speak.  That is when senior officials from General Motors only discuss issues with other GM officials. Everybody will agree, but it may not even be close to correct.  There is also Army Speak.  Same thing.  Now, we have “Tea Party Speak.”  As long as they just talk to each other, they will all agree.  And it won’t be until the Democrats control everything that they will wake up.  I heard ex-governor Palin talking about a third party.  That’s a great idea.  Let’s split the Republican Party because some of those rascal Republicans are too close to the “center.”  
 
The American people deserve to have their government funded.  If something, like Obamacare, doesn’t work, it will be changed or thrown out.  The Republicans in the House are so far out on a limb that I don’t know how they can recover.  They may be secretly hoping for a hurricane.  I don’t even think that will work!
 
Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
Random Thoughts

Live in DC and Meet the President

3 Comments

I was asked the other day why we are still living in the DC area.  We are at an age where most thoughtful people have moved to more comfortable and warmer environs.  Almost anywhere we moved would be less expensive.  But, hey, it’s only money.  We have never really sat down and put together a plus and minus list.  I suspect I know why.  Let’s just say we are comfortable with out situation (except for all the steps in the house).

Then, again, how many of you have recently said hello to the President? So what if it was in the bathroom at the Fort Belvoir Golf Club.  I’m not sure whether I would put that on the plus or minus list.  It seems like he comes out to Fort Belvoir to play our golf courses every weekend, but it is probably just two to three times a month.  The reason that meeting the President under these circumstances would go in the minus column has to do with the disruption he causes when he comes to play golf.

Of course, they never tell us he is coming, but I’m a quick study.  When I pull into the parking lot and find that half of the lot is blocked off with distinctive green cones, I know we are in for a bad day.

I generally don’t play golf on Saturday.  But, I do like to hit the driving range sometime over the weekend.  Don’t want to lose the edge.  Well, on three occasions I have not gotten away before his arrival.  When he arrives, all cars are stopped.  We are required to step out of our cars and stand next to them.  Then we have to wait until he has warmed up and played the first two holes before they release us.  I have waited 45 minutes in the parking lot before being released.

A couple of weeks ago, I finished up hitting balls and needed to pick Carole up at the Commissary.  I headed back to my car.  There were at least 50 secret service, MPs, state and county police and rent-a-cops around the area.  I asked one of them if I could get out of the parking lot before he arrived.  He told me, “You better hurry.”  Hurry I did.  I threw my clubs in the trunk and drove out of the lot in my golf shoes and golf glasses.  I made it!

So this week, it is Saturday and we are doing our little run.  I drop Carole off at the Commissary and slip over to the golf course to hit balls for 90 minutes (the edge).  Carole says, “Well at least with the Syrian situation, you won’t have to worry about Obama showing up.”  Wrong!  Now I know why he passed the buck to Congress.  So he could play golf on Saturday. When he announced on Saturday morning that he was going to request Congressional approval, was I the only one who noticed that he was wearing golf shoes?

When I got to the course, there were the infamous green cones.  Three security personnel were standing by the main entrance.  So as I walked by, I asked them if he was here yet. One fellow smiled at me and said, “Sir, I have no idea who you are talking about, but no one is here.”  I smiled at him and said, “I don’t understand you, but thanks.”

I understand the security requirement.  I’m not an Obama fan, but I certainly don’t want anything bad to happen to him.  I’m good with the searches. They have portable wands for searching and I have even been sniffed by one of their big dogs.  They asked me to stand still.  I couldn’t have moved if I had wanted to.  Nice Fido

Saying hello to the President under the above circumstances definitely goes in the minus column.  But the Commissary and the golf courses and the great medical care go in the plus column.  There needs to be a third column that is neither plus nor minus for such things as being able to go to a Wizards’ basketball game.  In this electronic age, I can go bloggity-blog from anywhere.  So why not West Springfield, Virginia?

We just lost one of our pluses.  Our favorite Chinese buffet closed.  The sign on the front door said, “Closed until further notice.”  We made three trips back to check and finally the sign was gone.  Carole inquired at the store next door and was advised that the closing involved the police and a rather nasty family dispute.  Chinese buffets generally don’t survive nasty family disputes.  Maybe the closing was a good thing.  I am sure there are things you can get from a four-day-old General Tso’s chicken that aren’t yet listed in medical books.

I’ll bet some of you don’t even know what a Case-Lot Sale is.  That’s when a whole lot of big trucks show up in a commissary parking lot and sell large volume items at ridiculously low prices.  That’s a plus.  Carole has never missed a Case-Lot Sale.  Our basement looks like a well supplied bomb shelter for thirty people.  However, because of the Sequestration, there were no Case-Lot Sales this year.  So Mr. Obama was correct when he said that the Sequestration would make everyone suffer.  Carole is really bitter.

I don’t think we are here because of inaction.  Our children are spread out, so there is no place to move which would be closer to them.  We like our house, but it is getting too big for us.  But, if we don’t find another Chinese buffet pretty quickly, we may be out of here!

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
Political Thoughts, Short Shorts

US and the Middle East

When I was in the sixth or seventh grade, I was asked to write a paper on the political parties in the United States.  No, that’s not right.  I was probably asked to write a paper about our country and I chose the topic. This may have been an early sign that some day I would major in political science.  This would have been around 1949.  I explained in cryptic details how when the Republican Party was in power, we had depressions; and when the Democratic Party was in power, we had wars.  My conclusion was that in order to decide whether you wanted to be a Republican or a Democrat, you had to decide whether you would prefer a depression or a war.  It’s a good thing I didn’t mention the Communist Party or my teacher might have turned me over to Senator McCarthy.

I thought you needed to know the above before you started reading my thought on the Middle East.  It shouldn’t surprise you that I am confused about the Middle East.  One thing for sure, I quit worrying a long time ago about whether people liked us.  Yep, I’m the ugly American.

One thing I do worry about is our national security and what is in the interest of our nation.  I think our leaders, in developing our foreign policy, should concentrate on what is in the best interest of the United States. Other countries understand that because that is exactly what they are doing.  Charles De Gaulle’s decision for France to have a French nuclear defense against Russia was based upon what he believed was in the best interest of France.  He didn’t care that the United States was unhappy with the decision.

It doesn’t seem to matter who is in power in many Middle Eastern countries when it comes to suppressing the views and right of their opposition.  Some regimes may be harsher that others, but they all treat their opposition harshly and it doesn’t pay to be too vocal.  This doesn’t seem to me to be a critical factor in deciding our country’s national interest.  Gassing the opposition changes the playing field.  But, otherwise, I ask, is it in our national interest to see governments favorable to us overthrown and the installation of a fundamental Islamic government? Then when such a ruling party as the Muslim Brotherhood is overthrown, should we wring our hands?

When is a coup not a coup?  I would say when it is in the national interest of the United States.  OK, I’m not only the ugly American, I’m a hypocrite. But with all my faults, I would not lose sight of our national security.

I also have some thought on free elections in tribal countries like Afghanistan.  But I think I will stop and cut my losses.  Life was a lot simpler when all I had to do was choose between war and depression.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com 
Golf Daze, Short Shorts

Tiger, Tiger, Pants on Fire

1 Comment

So what if Tiger Woods didn’t win a Major this year.  Hey, it hasn’t been that long since he announced to the world that he had an addiction.  I suspect he is still fighting his addiction. That is much more important than winning a Major.  He has been through treatment and therapy.  He announced his addiction in 2010 and this is only three years later.
I don’t know much about sexual addiction, but I guess Tiger was crazy about that stuff.  I know in the case of alcohol or drug addiction, the person forswears the evil product and refers to themselves as a recovering alcoholic or recovering drug addict.  Again, I don’t know what a sex addict does.  Is Tiger a recovering sex addict?
I tried to find a 12-step program for sex addicts, but I had no luck.  If they do have a 12-step program, I wondering which step is Lindsey Vonn?  She must be somewhat close to the end. Maybe Tiger has already been cured.  I can’t imagine his therapist is very happy about Lindsey. I’m afraid Tiger may be headed for recidivism.  And some people are worried about him not winning a Major.
Now,  I’m not big on conspiracy theories, especially when it comes to golf.  However, I have played round robin matches (you play six holes with each of the other three players in your foresome) where I concluded that the other three were conspiring to take my money.  It’s either that or I’m a bad golfer.  So I’ll go with the conspiracy theory.  Now, if I were one of Tiger’s devious opponents, I could position very attractive young ladies at strategic places in the gallery at Major events.  It’s possible that when Tiger sees the sweet young thing he may grab the wrong club!  I know you can’t make noise when a player is getting ready to hit the ball, but what if she is breathing heavily? 
I don’ think it would be appropriate for Tiger’s caddy to go over and ask the sweet young thing to stop breathing.  However, Casey Martin, who had a disabling injury, was permitted to use a golf cart.  The Supreme Court decided under the Americans with Disabilities Act that Casey could ride.  I’m wondering whether Tiger could qualify under the Americans with Disabilities Act to keep attractive women out of the gallery?
After all of the above, I’m about to say something profound.  Karma’s a bitch.
Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com
Golf Daze

The Golf Bible for the 20 Handicapper

You know what brings the duffer back?  It’s on the last hole of another disastrous round when the club goes back and then comes through perfectly and the ball jumps in the air and rises like a rocket.  It heads straight down the fairway or heads straight for the green.  Everyone is spell bound and the player says, “See, I knew I would figure it out,” or “Why can’t I do that more often?”


If the player is a 20 handicapper, he or she will never figure it out, and to play better he doesn’t have to do it more often.  I used to be a 20 handicapper plus and I still try to hit the perfect shot every time.  But, I now realize it isn’t necessary to hit great shots to be a better golfer.  So I have come up with my golfer’s bible for those of you who want to score better, but probably aren’t ever going to master the golf swing.

I subscribe to Golf Digest and Golf Magazine and each month they promise to add 10, 15, or 30 yards to my drives and to reduce my handicap by 3, 5, or even 7 strokes.  The August Golf Magazine has Hunter Mahan on the cover and it says, “Hit Every Fairway [and add 15 yards].”  I like Hunter Mahan and enjoy watching him play.  I also recognize that those pros are not playing the same game we are.  They hit shots that we wouldn’t dare try.  He gets paid for wearing a Ping Hat and an Under Armor shirt.  David Leadbetter pays me not to wear anything with his name on it.

Anyway, the Mahan article says on the backswing, your right thigh should feel “tight at the top.”  My whole body feels “tight at the top,” and then sort of unravels on the way down.  I don’t think golf magazines are the answer.  

So, let’s start with my bible revelation.  A 20 handicapper is only going to hit three to five really great shots a round (on a good day).  That means that not counting putts, he or she is going to hit over 50 shots that are not great.  So, are you ready for this, it is the quality of your not-so-great shots that will improve your score.

Let me use a 390 yard, par 4 hole as an example.  Most of us 20 handicappers can’t reach the green in two.  Let’s assume that we hit the ball 180 yards off the tee.  I don’t have anything in my bag that will go 210 yards.  So I am going to be on the green in three, if everything goes well. An absolutely perfect shot will make me feel great, but I will still have 30 yards left to the green.  A mediocre shot that only goes 140 yards leaves me with 70 yards to the green.  Both shots leave me in a good position. But, if you pop the ball in the air or top it and it rolls 20 yards, you are in trouble. This is what I mean by the quality of your not-so-great shots.  It is important that your mediocre shot get you within 100 yards of the green.

I periodically play with a fellow, who, when he hits a mediocre shot, looks at it and then says, “That’s OK.”  What he is really saying is, “I can get on from there,” or “I will still be on in the same number of shots.”  So rule one is to make sure your mediocre shots move you down the fairway 130 or more yards, and don’t fret that the shot wasn’t great.

Next, if your tee shot goes into the woods, give careful thought as to how to get back in the fairway.  Look for the best and widest opening.  Don’t try some miracle shot to put the ball down the fairway.  Hitting sideways or even backwards will cost you one stroke.  Playing pinball with the trees will rack up a monster number.

Another score killer  is being 10 yards off the green and taking two shots to get on.  This is many times caused by trying to put the ball close to the flag stick.  Putting it close to the flag stick is good, but not if it requires a risky shot.  Feel comfortable with the club you choose and knock the ball on the short grass.  

It is bad enough that someone thought up the idea of bunkers, but to make matters worse, the ground around the bunker usually slopes towards the bunker.  It may sound silly for me to say you need to get out of the bunker with one stroke, but I said it.  It’s nice to blast out close to the hole, but if it requires trying something different, don’t do it.  Keep your weight on your front foot and take a good swing.  It is important that you follow through. If you leave your club in the sand, the ball will be there too.  I once blasted from the bunker on one side of the green into the bunker on the other side. And, then I blasted the ball back into the bunker where I started. This is when it is important not to have sharp objects in your bag.

The last topic I will mention is the mental/emotional part of the game.  If you let your emotions get the best of you, you are done.  Right Rory?  I’ll define a bad three putt as inside 10 feet.  Anybody who has a bad three putt will play hell hitting a decent shot off of the next tee box.  When things really go badly for me, I try to smile.  A smile or a humorous comment breaks the tension and stress and will put you back on track.

I’m a little embarrassed about calling this a golf bible, but if I called it a golf diatribe, I’m not sure anyone would read it.  Play well.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com


Random Thoughts, Short Shorts

It’s OK to Put Your Elbow in Your Ear

3 Comments

After all these years, I now find out that “ear wax is beneficial and self cleaning.”  That is why you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.  Of course, they also said that the tooth fairy recovers teeth that are left under pillows.  I’m not sure what to believe!

All these years I have been avoiding the benefits of earwax.  I don’t want it back.  Of course, most of it was absorbed into those terrible Q-tips.  Q-tips is the cotton swab of choice.  Some of the lesser brands really do a number on your ear.  Q-tips had done everything possible to make it feel comfortable in your ear.  There is “more soft cotton on the tip,” and it has a bendable shaft.  It is a life insurance policy, too.  No, no.  That’s another stupid commercial.

I get a kick out of the Q-tips box.  It has a warning.  It says, “Do not insert swab into ear canal.”  If people stop inserting Q-tips into ear canals, sell your Unilever stock. Then the warning goes on to say, “If used to clean ears, stroke swab gently around the outer surface of the ear only.”  Why would anyone want to stroke around the outer surface of the ear?  That isn’t where the tickle is coming from.  I guess that annoying tickling feeling is also beneficial.

If you haven’t figured it out, I will tell you that I clean out my ears with Q-tips.  Now, as an experienced user, I will give you some important tips.  Never clean out your ears while jogging.  It can be done, but it is too tricky for a beginner.  Next, while sitting perfectly still, grab the swab at a very short distance from the cotton end.  That way, even if you jam it in it won’t hit bottom.  Next, keep the swab pressed against the side of the ear canal.  If you feel a sharp pain, you are in too deeply.  If your Q-tip has blood on it, you belong to that 10% who can’t pitch or catch a softball and you should seek medical help.

When I was 13, I went to Champaign Urbana, Illinois to play in a state baseball tournament.  I think it was a three-day tournament.  I woke up the second day with a terrible ear ache (this was before I knew what a Q-tip was).  Everything sounded like I was in a twenty-foot well.  Each coach had a different remedy.  One held me upside down.  Another put my bad ear towards the ground and pounded on the other side of my head.  It didn’t help my ear, but I felt better when he stopped pounding.  The third coach lit up a cigar and blew smoke in my ear.  Nothing helped.  They finally quit trying when they found out I could still play, even though I was hurting.

I should mention that the article that says ear wax is good for you goes on to state that after you are 65 years old, the wax gets thicker and contains more ear hair.  I didn’t even know I had ear hair and now I find out it is falling out.  The article concludes that 12 million people a year go to the doctor for impacted ear wax.  They want you to believe that that is caused by people pushing the ear wax deeper into their ear with cotton swabs.  Don’t believe them.  It is those people who aren’t cleaning out their ears with a Q-tip.

Written by PJ Rice at www.ricequips.com

BOO! I saw you smile!